I just don't know anymore.

It’s been almost a year since my last post.  Entirely too long, I’d say.  Not so much because I need my thoughts on this computer screen, but simply because I left on such a discordant note. I thought that my world was ending a year ago.  I thought that I was dead.  But my world is still turning, and I’m alive as ever now.  And then there’s Lewis :)  He’s been here holding my hand for nine months now.  And I love him and he loves me and that’s all that matters these days.  I don’t regret going through what I did.  Lessons were learned that had to be taught.  It was rough while it lasted, but I can’t help but think…would I be this happy if I hadn’t gone through that?  Could I have found Lewis if all that hadn’t happened?  Has every single decision, every single circumstance brought me to where I am right now?  That’s how I have to think of it.  Or else, I’ll just be asking myself why I put myself through it all. And that’s no way to spend a life.  Full of regret.  I’d rather be here.  Be happy.  Be able to say that I made it through the time I thought I could never get over.   But here I am!  Happy.  ^_^

I was told today that loving me was like loving the dead.  I never knew that words could cut so deeply.  But it was said so cavalierly.  Maybe it’s the truth?…I’m starting to believe these things that I have thought were lies coming from the mouth that once loved me so much…or so I thought.  The sorrow has turned to anger, but the words that hurt so much keep coming; and I’m still bombarded with rounds of “you did everything wrong…you’ll never be good enough….I never cared”  I care not about you.  I no longer need your love.  I’ve found better in a matter of days.  But the fact that such hatred is alive kills me a little bit.  I didn’t want it to be this way.  I’m not sure how I wanted it to be.  But there’s comfort in knowing that I’m not as completely destroyed as I thought I was.  I won’t give him the satisfaction of that. 

And as for YOU, my potentiality….you are a hopeful lover.  But I no longer believe in hope, so I’ll just say I’m waiting.  I’ll just revel in the thought.  Because to hope would be to die again.  And I won’t do such a thing.  But your flattery intrigues me.  A slow and gentle breeze…sweep me away gently, darling.

Last night I had a dream that you decided to leave me
and no matter what I said, my persuasion fell upon your deaf ears.

Don’t leave me here alone. I’m not so good on my own.
I’m not so good. I’m not so good on my own.

Is it too late? Am I too gone? Is there something I should know?
Am I working for nothing? Will there ever be anything to show?

Is it true? I don’t know what the storybooks have told.
Though I wouldn’t be so bold to say so.
Will I do what I’m told? Will I play my hand or fold?
Will I stand my ground and hold? I would like to think so.

But if I just walked away, would you still save me?
Or would you take back all that you gave me?

Is it too late? Am I too gone? Is there something I should know?
Are we working for nothing? Is there anything to show for the service?
Is it worthless? All the waiting is the hardest part.

Come home my dear because I love you. I love you still.

It’s a slap in the face when I feel my complacency grow.
It’s the thrill of the chase, when you catch it you just let it go.
I take for granted the grace that is given me daily I know, oh.

How can you say that you love me when all that I want.
All that I want is your blessing and then I am gone.
Nothing I do can make up for the things I have done, oh.

Your love is all we need. We’re gonna make it.
So let’s close our eyes tonight and just believe.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  So I just run away.  Because I want to forget.  I want to start over.  But what I want the most I can’t have….why is this so hard?…

What is this feeling?…Death?…I’m suffocating without you. You’ve pierced my being through and through. So hard to let go….So hard to give up…The fight was in vain. And I’m left weak and broken and helpless. But I can’t let you go forever. Please stay. If not in my arms, by my side. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. It wasn’t supposed to end at all. But what are these ramblings of a lunatic but useless cries into the Dark?….I still love you, my Dear. I still love you.

That desperate piece of hope seems a little brighter today.  Although the clouds are quite dark.  There’s something inside that’s telling me it’s not over…not over yet.  Things will be okay.  A little piece of deception?…I know it’s something more.  I won’t give up so easily.  I won’t let go quite yet.  There’s something more to this drab situation.  Something still unsaid.  But once it’s out, I’ll understand.  We’ll make it all okay.  I can hope enough for both of us.  I can fight enough for two…but love?…we’ll do that together.  with passion, with fire, with pure white flames.  More than we did before.  I can’t give up, I won’t give up.  The ember I’ll rekindle.  I still love you, I always will. 

I hope it rains today…I hope the clouds are black…But I hope I can’t feel it.

I sat in my mom’s lap today and just cried for about an hour.  It was the best I have felt in days.  I haven’t done that since I was about ten years old…and now I remember why I used to do it.  She didn’t make it stop hurting, but she made it okay for a little while.  I love you. I will always love you.